First Church of Trump the Redeemer

  People say this is the guy who really puts Vice into Vice President. He has been known by several different names. His current name is JD Vance, possibly arrived at after consulting the great book, Black Seal of the Inner Circle, which you can buy here: https://amzn.to/49xjRzd His makeup is fabulous, second only to that of our Lord and Saviour Donald J. Trump. His beard makes him look butch, FBOTUS (First Bear) and it is always bona to vada his dolly old eek. If only he would zhush up his riah and drag up he'd be welcome ajax this antique HP and no flies! But I digress. In his spare time he likes to write fiction and upset Popes.  

  Our Secretary of Health and Human Services has been a devotee of The Church of Trump ever since withdrawing from the 2024 election in a quid pro quo arrangement. The Communist agitators say he is crazy and speaks like a demented robot but underneath all that he is the finest, and most qualified person to hold his position. A veteran of the 2010 great brain worm invasion of some Third World sh*thole country he has also survived mercury poisoning. In his spare time he likes to fly hawks and falcons, take heroin and eat roadkill. His initials do not stand for Roofies, Freebase or Ketamine.  

  The FBOTUS (First Buddy) is the richest man in the world and therefore the First Buddy. We wouldn't have won the 2024 election without him, he can hack anything. We don't need your votes. What he can't hack he can buy, I know that after he couldn't hack being my friend. But we are now good, we have a friendship, a beautiful friendship, a special friendship. I love him. He pays my rent. He has a few odd turns of phrase, we put that down to him coming from a far province but he is a True American and he has lots and lots of money. In his spare time he likes to sit in a room with his money and channel Scrooge McDuck whilst allegedly pretending to be autistic. He has lots of money, beautiful money, magnificent money.  

  Our Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security is Kristi Noem, a mother of three, so not yet a complete quiverful but getting there. And she is hot. People say to me "Sir, she is the second or third hottest person in the administration". I don't know about that but her dedication to achieving the Mar-A-Lago face is admirable. I think we'd all like to grab her by the pu**y if she were 13 again. In her spare time she likes to shoot dogs. And she is a woman, so this proves our church is not misogynist* no matter what the radical terrorist Antifa organisation say about us. *Thank you for the help with the spelling Kristi.  

  Pete is our Minister of War or 'Reichskriegsminister' as he likes to style himself. Pete rose to this elevated position as a result of his magnificent TV career, many people say he was the second best TV personality in history, just behind Our Lord and Saviour Donald J. Trump. We appreciate his efforts in targeting small countries with weak militaries to come under our munificent yoke of freedom and democracy. In his spare time he likes to drink. He is the best drinker. A beautifal drinker. His casual drinking is your alcohol poisoning. And don't you forget it.  

  He is the deputy chief of staff for policy and homeland security advisor. We think this sounds better than Reich Minister for Public Enlightenment and Propaganda. He has been a Trumpism devotee from the very beginning and we appreciate his sterling efforts to drain the swamp. In his spare time (of which there is little) and despite his insubstantial and rather weedy frame, he likes to engage in paramilitary training, martial arts and survivalism. He is the current FCOTUS (First Cuck of the United States) after selflessly renting out his wife to our First Buddy, Elon Musk. Being Jewish himself he is the living proof that the Church of Trump is not anti-Semitic despite what the left-wing libtards say.